Week 23: Sleuth says you should never do it in public
Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city each week. It's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. Sometimes Sleuth even gets serious, but not often... @mcrsleuth
Northern Fail Rewards
Sleuth is chuffed to see Network Rail boss Mark Carne honoured with a CBE in this year's birthday honours from the Queen. Perfectly timed, thinks Sleuth, what a good idea, can't see anyone having a problem with that. Using the opportunity to ask Carne - who earns £800k a year to ensure the smooth running of the UK rail network - what he intending to do about the Northern Rail chaos causing anguish to tens of thousands of commuters, Carne responded to Sleuth by saying: "Hold on a sec, the North has trains? No wonder they're so pissed off about Crossrail and HS2."
Love Island Love
Sleuth has been enjoying Love Island this week. Not the show, of course, if Sleuth wanted to watch a group of preening orange prima donnas attempt to hump each other he'd spend the night on Deansgate Locks, or in Liverpool. No what has entertained Sleuth most is the feigned interest, particularly by politicians. George 'Where The Fuck Is Our Powerhouse' Osborne has professed to enjoying the ITV2 show, as has Manchester Central MP, Lucy Powell, who told The Guardian: "There's nothing better than trash TV to forget about all the other awful issues we face everyday." "I couldn't agree more," said a homeless person, "I'm so happy Jack and Dani got together, and how about those abs. Phwoar!"
Sleuth thinks let’s not be literal
Sleuth was in the Inn at Whitewell in the Trough of Bowland eating kippers. “These must be herring kippers, yes?” he said to the waitress. The waitress said, “No, they are just kippers.” “But kippers is a generic term for smoked fish, you can have herring kippers, mackerel kippers, maybe even Koi kippers, who knows, but they are never just kippers,” said Sleuth. “These ones are just kippers,” said the waitress firmly turning up her eyes and leaving. “I hope she doesn’t literally interpret other dishes on the menu and think Toad-in-the-Hole is roasted amphibian,” said Sleuth’s friend before adding, “just think if she thinks Spotted Dick is diseased penis?” Sleuth didn’t want to think that or even hear it. So he just stared sadly at his food and wondered if he was still hungry.
Marketing that backs itself into a corner
Sleuth was in a corporate party and there was a woman telling her best ambulance chaser lawyer story. This involved a notorious man some years ago who had a great idea to break into the LGBT market. He wanted to get more of the no-win no-fee jobs on motor insurance, so bought a load of condoms and printed on the packet a link to his company and the strapline: ‘Have you ever been rear-ended?’ He was going to give these out during Pride weekend. Fortunately, his staff slapped him about the face and told him not to be so bloody stupid. Apparently for yonks he had box after box of inappropriate condoms in his house.
Best way to get the sack
Sleuth sees Gary Neville and Ryan Giggs have finally lost patience with chef Michael O'Hare, removing him from his role at GG Hospitality. This means O'Hare will no longer be involved in Cafe Football, Hotel Football, Rabbit in the Moon, or the group's upcoming big money Stock Exchange project. It's been a turbulent old time for O'Hare, who has had a number of run-ins since taking on the role in 2016. So what was the final straw? Sleuth doesn't know for sure, though he reckons this is one way to do it...
A music policy with no identity crisis
Sleuth was captivated by the lovely Ancoats Lad bar on Oldham Street which he visited for the first time this week. He was captivated by fact the venue used to be a UCP tripe outlet (Sleuth loves tripe because he loves food) and the fact the music policy was elegiacally straight-forward.
Most efficient toilet in the world is on Oldham Street
Sleuth was further captivated in the Ancoats Lad by this clever piece of bog kit: a toilet with the sink in the cistern top. You can do everything without moving... almost.
Sleuth was on the phone with Parklife and Warehouse Project boss Sacha Lord this week, discussing his new role as Greater Manchester's nighttime economy adviser. Lord used to work for Confidential publisher Mark 'Gordo' Garner, back in the day, and was telling Sleuth about the first time Gordo wandered into one of his clubs. "I remember him coming into Sankeys Soap when we had that place," says Lord, "he waltzed straight to the bar and got out a wad of £50 notes." Surprised Gordo had ventured into such a notorious student rave cave, Sleuth asked if Gordo had enjoyed the experience. "Put it like this," said Lord, "he still holds the record for most time spent in a club without so much as tapping a foot."
The incontrovertible truth
Never do it in public unless you are an athlete because everybody else looks like an idiot. Here are some people in Castlefield Outdoor Arena. In the sunshine. Exercising. Get a room, do it in a gym, Jeez. That lot put Sleuth and his mates right off their White Lightning.