The former Chancellor to take on Metrolink role, amongst other things

Former Chancellor George Osborne has today announced he will be taking on the recently vacated role of Metrolink boss, saying “as the architect of the Northern Powerhouse initiative, I think it’s vital that I maintain a presence on the front line of Manchester’s infrastructure... plus I could always use a few more bob.”

Osborne, who recently came under flack for taking on the editorship of the London Evening Standard newspaper, said: “Well yes there is that, plus my £650k a year job at American fund management firm Blackrock, and my lucrative roles at the Washington Speaker’s Bureau and the McCain Institute, oh and the Tory Whip, but my assistant informs me I have at least 47 seconds a week to absolutely devote myself to pushing forward the, er, what… the trams, yes those.”

In a statement – hurriedly scrawled on the back of a Waitrose brie, grape and chutney sandwich packet on board a private jet bound for the Hedge Fund Intelligence & Posh Twats summit in Paris – Osborne wrote:

‘I intend to continue the philosophy of this great organisation by ensuring that at least half of all ticket machines work slower than a tetraplegic bricklayer forced back into work by welfare cuts, that all ticket inspectors continue to act like grouchy Gestapo officers, and that any three month job takes at least seven years to complete.

‘Oh, and I’m going to take a Saturday job as a tram driver, because, let’s face it, if I can drive forward the economic resurgence of the North, I can certainly drive a tram between St Werburgh’s and Oldham Mumps… plus I could always use a few more bob.”

When asked whether a sitting MP - who advises a US wealth management firm whilst editing a newspaper owned by a former KGB agent – had time to take on such a weighty new role, Osborne said: “Hold on… I’m an MP?”