From 'crown jewels' condoms to novelty dolls, Body Confidential rounds-up the best of the bad ahead of the big day
We love a good wedding here at Body HQ but the world has gone utterly Meghan Markle mad ahead of the royal nuptials. The editorial inbox has been inundated with Markle merchandise. Apparently, the bride-to-be has been busy endorsing all kinds of weird and wonderful things – or so brands would have you believe.
‘Sparkle like Markle with the snail slime skincare Meghan SWEARS by – only £99.99.’
'Workout like Meghan with yoga pills and our thrice-a-day routine.'
‘Want to snare a prince like Meghan? Then turn three times, salute the sun and invest in our overpriced bizarrely placed product...'
And so the list goes on.
There’s much ado about Markle. And it’s all a bit much. Whilst we are of course pleased for the happy couple – and agree that Harry and Meghan are by far the trendiest and most relatable of the Windsor bunch – some of the so-called wedding memorabilia is borderline ridiculous.
From royal condoms to hairy swimsuits, these are the best bizarre wedding tokens.
The Crown Jewels Heritage Condoms - £10
Why settle for Durex when one can have contraceptives “fit for a prince”. Not only do the Crown Jewels Condoms guarantee that “your prince will come” but the “artisan-style sheaths” kept securely in a box that when opened patriotically plays a rendition of God Save The Queen.
Available from Crown Jewels Condoms
Harry & Meghan swimwear - £28
Love the royal couple more than life itself? Then why not plaster their faces across your torso the next time you hit the beach. Bags of Love is offering to print Harry and Meghan’s faces onto a stylish swimming costume of your choice for just £28. Yes, the positioning of Harry’s beard does fall rather awkwardly below the waist, but that’s besides the point.
Royal wedding plates
Whilst pretty plates plastered with Harry and Meghan’s grinning faces are a plenty, why not try some wedding crockery with a bit more gritty humour. Quotes like ‘Wish I’d watched the FA Cup’, ‘I give it a year’ and ‘Brexit-free zone’ will candidly remind you that there is more to life than the royal wedding.
Harry and Meghan life size cut-out - $74.97 + $9.97pp
No invite? No worries. Watch the royal wedding with the royals themselves.
Harry and Meghan dolls - £114.13 + £18pp
If you thought the idea of Prince Harry finally being off the market was going to haunt you for the rest of your single days, then try perhaps you should give this doll set a try. The 18inch dolls are inspired by the soon-to-be-weds, complete with glazed eyes and blank expressions – something that will no doubt be comforting glaring across the room at you in the dead of night. A shaky guess at the wedding couture, the doll designer predicts that the young prince will remove his eyelashes, abandon his signature red hair in favour of a brown mop and don a pair of navy crocs to his big day. As for the blushing bride, Meghan will be contouring her face in the remarkable fashion of a cabbage patch doll and raising her eyebrows RU-Paul style. The resemblance is truly uncanny.
Budget mugs - £9.50 + PP
Hats off to the design team on this piece of merch – why spend hours working out how to use photoshop when you can knock-up a trendy mug design on Paint. Just screenshot a photo of the royal duo, cut it out with the scissor tool (no worries if you lob off half the royals’ bodies, no one pays any attention to their arms anyway), invest in a label maker and BOOM! you’ve got yourself an £9.50 Harry and Megan engagement mug. A sure-fire way to squeeze some pennies out of some unsuspecting tourists (I’ll take two).
River Island’s girls’ royal wedding emoji t-shirt - £12
Whilst many merchandisers have gone down the tacky route for the big day, River Island has come out on top with a surprisingly wearable girls’ t-shirt complete with Harry and Meghan emojis. Perfect if your mini me is even more Markle mad than you are.
